What Old People Think About Gay Sex
“You can have a really wonderful experience in life being a slut.”
I have literally written and erased half a dozen answers to your question which range from quick and honest to sarcastic and everything in between. But I remind myself that every opportunity is a time for teaching if the other person really wants to learn, so I’m going to do my very best to answer this question well. Please forgive me, however, if I come across as acrid, sarcastic, and/or bitchy. As I get older, I’ve become less tolerant of having to explain my sexuality when my self declared heterosexual peers don’t have to do the same.
So, here’s my answer for you. The Cliff notes version is this.
A person’s sexuality is not a choice.
The tl;dr read version is this.
No one chooses to whom they are attracted. The very concept of that being a possibility is absurd. I assure you that, if I could magically snap my fingers and be attracted to the opposite sex, I would do so in an instant.
This may come as a shock to many because I’m very vocal about who I am, my support of equal rights for everyone, my support of tolerance and acceptance, and the fact that I tell people to love themselves for who they are.
But the fact is that being something outside the hetero-normative is hard. I’ve said many times that this is not an easy road. There are people out there who want to, literally, kill me because I’m attracted to the same sex. They don’t care that I’m socially active and encourage things like supporting your community, voting, donating blood, and setting positive examples for others. They don’t care that I participate in charity, support Alzheimer’s research, that I go out of my way to make sure some of my less stable friends know I’m there if they need me, or that I am trained as a peer counselor and am willing to lend an ear or shoulder even to a stranger if they need it.
The only thing these people care about is that I’m not attracted to men or only to men, and, therefore, I need to die.
My government, neither state nor federal, recognizes my nearly 9 year relationship to the same person. My partner, because she works for the state, could lose her job if certain people found out she wasn’t heterosexual. Her family has practically disowned her. When she told her mother, her mother’s first reply was, “You’re breaking my heart. I don’t know what happened to you to make you do this to me, but I hope you one day realize how wrong this is.” It’s only by the grace of the Universe that mine is as accepting as it is because many families are much more like my partner’s than mine.
Several different religions teach that, based solely on to whom I am attracted and regardless of anything else I may do in life - good or bad - I will go to hell and burn for eternity if I give in to the “carnal pleasures” of being in a long term, loving, committed relationship with another woman. According to these religious institutions, I could be the most amazing person ever, but, because I’m not heterosexual, I’m going to hell. I have no redeeming qualities.
When I’m in public with my partner and we’re simply holding hands, there are families that will cover their children’s eyes or walk across the street and away from us or blatantly stare at us with disapproving faces because we’re holding hands.
People - coworkers, bosses, random people - tell my mother how sorry they are for her that I am a lesbian. One boss told her not only that he was sorry but that, in his country, they’d kill me to redeem the family honor.
If you’re a gay man, you can’t give blood because the risk is too high that you might be HIV positive. People question you if you want to raise a family because there are people out there who honestly think being gay is the same thing as being a child molester, which is so ridiculous I don’t have enough words to describe my disgust at that ignorance. If you’re a gay man, many people automatically assume that you’re promiscuous and that you have some kind of disease. As a gay man, you risk your life everyday that you live out of the closet because there are enough insecure, self proclaimed heterosexual men out there who see you as a threat simply because of who you are they will beat you until they kill you or worse just to prove how much of a real man they are as opposed to you.
If you’re bisexual, you get it both directions because homosexuals say you’re playing the field and you need to pick a side while heterosexuals treat you like you’re a homosexual. You literally can’t win, but you’re still doing better than transexuals, whom most people don’t even bother to understand. That’s a whole different post, honestly.
I’m not joking. I’m not making this up. This is how it is to be something other than heterosexual. To be something other than the hetero-normative expectation of the mainstream is to know that everyday is a fight. It is to know that every single time you step outside there is a possibility you’re going to get hurt, badgered, attacked, or accused because you’re with someone of which the mainstream populous doesn’t approve.
Being out is knowing that you will forever have to explain why you’re not heterosexual because, once you come out, you will have to continuously come out for the rest of your life. Unlike the heterosexual population, you will always have to defend yourself, and you will always be considered a representative of the non hetero-normative population to those in the hetero-normative population even when you don’t want to be, even when you shouldn’t be.
No one would willing choose to be attracted to someone other than the opposite sex. This. Life. Is. Hard.
Plenty of people, mostly because they’re scared of one thing or another, choose not to live the life they feel. They know they’re not heterosexual, but, because of the consequences of coming out, they choose not to live outside of being heterosexual.
The choice is not whether or not a person is going to be something other than heterosexual. The choice is whether or not that person has the courage and stamina to live as they are despite the consequences that the mainstream society will enact once that person decides to step up and live as they feel.
That’s the choice, and that is why I say those who choose to come out are brave.
Anonymous asked: Seeing that anon question makes me curious. What's your take on people that are Bi? Do you think it's possible? Some people say "that's just being greedy." Which to me, is an ignorant response and completely ridiculous.
I think people who say being bisexual (or asexual or whatever) is something bad or the person is an attention whore, etc. are people who don’t understand how sexuality works.
See, here’s the thing. Sexuality is fluid. There’s no ‘right way’ to be attracted to another human being. It’s narrow minded and ignorant to think there is. I feel that many times that ignorance is self imposed. It doesn’t take much to learn what it actually means to be something other than homosexual or heterosexual.
Those who willfully chose to remain ignorant both confound and disgust me.
In my mind, everyone who does not classify themselves as heterosexual are all in the same boat. We’re all in this together, and we need to be supportive of each other. Each ignorant, bigoted comment from us toward each other is another crack in the defenses we need in order to get what we should already rightfully have.
Meaning, the more in-fighting we do like this, the harder it is for the mainstream to take us seriously, and the harder it is for us to gain our rightfully deserved equal rights.
You love who you love. It’s as simple as that. Who cares what the gender is or how many genders you’re attracted to? Seriously, it’s no one’s business but the people involved in the relationship, and this habit we have to prying into other people’s romantic personal lives is Orwellian at best and idiotic at worst.
There are other things, much more important things, we all should be focusing on. How about we all focus on making things better for those hurting and in need? If we took all this energy about worrying about what happens in other people’s bedrooms and focused it on world hunger issues, the energy crisis, or climate change, can you imagine what we could get accomplished?
Anonymous asked: What are your thoughts on women who realize they are gay later in life, or don't have to courage admit it until later in life?
It’s none of my business how someone chooses to deal or not deal with the fact they are attracted to same sex. It’s a hard road, and I can very easily understand why some people can’t, don’t, or won’t deal with the fact they might be a homosexual or a bisexual.
For those who realize later in life, I say I’m not surprised. There are many who do. Sexuality is fluid, and people change with age.
For those who finally find the courage to admit it to themselves and/or everyone else, I applaud them for their courage, and I support them for who they are.
That applies to anyone - Homosexual, bisexual, or transexual… even asexual.
You are who are, and sometimes it is very hard to be that person. The road isn’t always easy, and, if you chose to traverse it, I feel the end result is worth the pain.